Talk:Kiritsu Taisei
God-modding Altering your character's abilities between the start of the second phase and its end qualifies as god-modding. This includes endowing your character with sensory ability he did not previously possess, such as the ability to visualize chakra or magically comprehend the mysteries of others' powers. All users agreed to abide the posting guidelines, which stipulate that a character's abilities are "locked in" and fixed once the second phase begins, until the training period that takes place between the finals. This rule is necessary to ensure that users don't grant their characters powers or skills that allow them to overcome the existing abilities of others retroactively. While your addition seems benign, and you haven't abused it but rather have used it to enhance your character's response in the interrogation, it opens up the door for other users to take liberties with their character's limitations. Additionally, the dojutsu you've alluded to in the encounter hasn't been described in exhaustive detail- facts, information about its origins and limits is absent. This would allow you to "back-load" the abilities of the dojutsu as they are revealed, cherry picking abilities that grant the greatest circumstantial advantage... In the interest of maintaining a fair exam for all participants, I'm asking you to please remove any reference to this power from the encounter. I don't particularly care whether it's on your character, but it can't be employed in phase 2. If you'd like to use it for the finals or adapt other abilities onto your character, you'll be welcome to do so during the training period between the second phase and the finals. Thank you for your patience and understanding- You Are Not Alone (talk) 12:07, July 8, 2014 (UTC) Author-Requested Review Yo, Nari! Here's your (very late) review. So, let's get going! Introduction Grammar and Formatting Review *Firstly, I'd recommend putting the romanji of Kiritsu's name following the kanji within the brackets, to look something like this: Kiritsu Taisei (きりつ たいせい, Taisei Kiritsu). That's personal preference and how most articles are shown, which is why I'm recommending it. *Chunin should have the micron, ū (Chūnin). *''"Kiritsu is a being of justice, believing in a world where justice reigns."'' -- It sounds a bit repetitive to me. Maybe remove one part of it? *'Aizunogi' (アイズオぎ, Eyes of Justice) can also be translated as Ginome (義の目, Eyes of Justice) if you wanted a more japanese translation. Content Review I enjoy these types of introductions. Short, but descriptive enough to give a brief overview of the character. Given that Kiritsu is a genin, you've made a rather substantial introduction for one who hasn't achieved an exemplary number of feats in his Shinobi lifetime, yet. I also believe it's an engaging introduction, giving a good outline of Kiritsu's personality, abilities and feats without exaggerating them, so-to-speak. Background Grammar Review No major qualms with your grammar or formatting, it doesn't interrupt anything. Content Review An interesting background. While I would personally like to know more, it satisfies the reader quite well. He's had an interesting turn of events in his life and the acquisition of his status as a deaf man was probably one of the most heroic things I've ever seen a character do on this fanon, which is refreshing given that it went beyond most cliches. Appearance Grammar Review No real qualms here either. Content Review Quite an intriguing appearance. You've gone up and beyond from describing the image to making sure the character's appearance is your own. However, when you go to describing his face and neck, I'd recommend instead of using "On his neck..." that you go with something that allows a bit more flow. Perhaps something like "Trailing downwards to his neck..." could assist you here? Personality Grammar Review No major qualms here. Content Review I consider this one of the more important sections so I'll be a bit critical here. I personally think a lot more could be added to this. You've given something that leaves people intrigued, but also somewhat unsatisfied. You might want to add more about how his strong sense of justice influences his mannerisms? Does he have a code of honor that is present in combat as a result of this? Subtle things you might want to consider. Also, with his negative side, there are a few things you can consider. How did it develop to this extent? What are Kiritsu's interactions with it? What happens to Kiritsu when it temporarily takes over? How does he get over his loneliness? Things like that. Abilities The defining point of an article! Let's get going. Grammar Review No qualms here. Content Review *'Ninjutsu Section': Not a bad Ninjutsu section. His use of Wind Release being covert definitely gives him something unique to work with. Focusin on a single technique and enhancing your skills in that area is also a nice strategy. You've added plenty of details regarding the use of the technique and why he employs it in such a fashion, so I realistically find this an enjoyable read. *'Deafsense': Nice work! I like how you've made him more observant than right-out augment his eyesight, which definitely inverts the common "blind person has magnificent hearing" I've seen in a lot of samurai-esque characters. Also, the methodology behind his sensory of emotions definitely ties in well with his character. *'Bukijutsu': A lot of detail placed here. Kiritsu should definitely take up dancing as a part-time occupation! Not much to say here besides that I think this definitely fits with his overall character. Although, curious: how does Kiritsu fight while trying to conceal himself? Also, what flaws are evident in the form he uses? *'Pain Tolerance': Haven't seen this anywhere before. Maybe expand on what exactly is his limit? How he manages to resist the pain consciously? Things like that? *'Stamina': I feel like this could go under a blanket physical prowess section with your pain tolerance. But that's just me. Good work with the justification via swimming, though. *'Kenjutsu': Once again, perhaps identify more of the weaknesses associated with this style? Reach and such? Otherwise, very well-written. *'Taijutsu': While the images are...oddly placed given Kiritsu's appearance and gender, I'll overlook them. Nice work in incorporating conventional physical movements into Kiritsu's overall fighting style. Although I find the overwhelming power slightly odd for one of Kiritsu's elegance, I suppose he found his flaws in that. *'Alignment Shifting': A lot of potential here. I'd suggest expanding the nature of Kiritsu's other forms of combat when influenced by the Dark!Kiritsu. Maybe alterations in his Kenjutsu and Bōjutsu? Or even his nature transformation? *'Intelligence': I must admit, his observational skills are quite well-written and have a highly plausible weakness: someone moving so irrationally that Kiritsu's observation becomes useless against them. Maybe have that as a growing factor for Kiritsu later on in life? Equipment Grammar Review Nothing much to say here. Content Review Likewise. You've given a brief summary of the equipment Kiritsu holds, which in itself doesn't really invite much to say. Overall P.S I won't review quotes because they're quotes. Overall, I must admit that Kiritsu is a well-written character with quite a bit of potential. I feel as though, because of your writing style, you've missed a few things here and there that could easily make Kiritsu improve into a much more fleshed out character. I wish you luck if you continue to pursue Kiritsu's development, he's got a bit going for him! [[User:Ash9876|'Ashy']] ([[User talk:Ash9876|'Welcome!']]) 11:47, October 20, 2014 (UTC)